St George and the Dragon Who Almost Practically Ate Him But Missed

Tis a simple story . . .  Once upon a time there was a terrible fire-breathing dragon (for argument’s sake we’ll call him Frank). Frank loved nothing more than to terrorize the local kingdom by occasionally eating their sheep and carrying off the women-folk. The King decreed that to prevent such things they should just nonchalantly leave sheep at Frank’s cave to keep him happy. And so the very first iteration of meals-on-wheels was created. This kept Frank happy for almost three days, after which he flew into the King’s living room (it was a big living room).

   “Oh sad pathetic excuse for a King,” said Frank. “While the sheep are very nice I’m craving something a bit more exotic. Be so kind as to deliver your eldest daughter to me on the morrow or I’ll set your entire kingdom on fire.”
   The King being faced with a giant fire-breathing dragon in his living room didn’t even have to think about it. He simply agreed. The next day, the Princess Gertrude was delivered to Frank’s cave and tied to a sturdy rock for safe keeping.
As chance would have it a Knight called George was passing that way and heard of the Princesses plight. Being the heroic sort he mounted his steed and took off towards Frank’s cave.
   Meanwhile, Frank had discovered the Princess tied up outside his cave.
   “Who are you?” said Frank.
   “I’m your breakfast,” said Gertrude.
   “Well this won’t do, there’s nothing to you. You’re barely even a snack!”
   “I’m a vegetarian,” said Gertrude proudly.
   “I’m taking you back, come on, do you have any fat sisters?” said Frank and began to untie Princess Gertrude.
   At that inopportune moment, George rounded the corner on his horse.
   “Ho there Dragon!” said George heroically.
   “It’s Frank,” said Frank.
   “Oh, I’m sorry. Ho there Frank! I am here to rescue yonder fair maiden.”
   “I was just taking her back actually.”
  “I’ll have none of your dragon trickery,” said George and unsheathed his sword in a dramatic fashion.
   Frank rolled his eyes and lunged for George. Sadly, Frank was near sighted and missed completely presenting George with the opportunity to lop off the dragon’s head. 
   “All hail my savior!” said Gertrude.
  “You are more than welcome, my Princess. Just out of curiosity, why was he taking you back?”
   “I think it was because I’m a vegetarian.”
  “Sorry, luv, I don’t date vegetarians,” said George. He mounted his horse and rode off in search of more heroic deeds and left Princess Gertrude tied up next to a dead dragon.

   The dragon-killing Knight become known as St. George and is remembered on April 23rd, St. George’s Day, each year, and celebrated by everyone . . . except vegetarians.

The End.