Were you recently bitten by your friend’s unusually large dog and now you’re noticing a few strange things have begun to occur? Maybe you were camping and all of a sudden you woke up and your memory isn’t what it used to be? Maybe while on a late night excursion with your new boyfriend, things got a little hot, until he nibbled a little too enthusiastically on your neck?

Maybe you’re turning into a werewolf . . .

​Here are the top ten signs you might be turning into a werewolf:

1. You find yourself looking at other humans and thinking lunch.
2. You start to notice smells you never smelled before.
3. You growl at people instead of talking to them. They don’t growl back.
4. Your nails begin to grow at an alarming rate and are suddenly incredibly sharp but, on the bright side, you no longer have any trouble opening, well, anything.
5. You scratch your head in public using your leg.
6. You greet your friends at the bus stop by sniffing their butts. They don’t appreciate or reciprocate.
7. You begin to grow hair in all the wrong places. ALL the wrong places.
8. You urinate on other people’s property, claiming it as your own, but they don’t agree and seem offended about it.
9. When someone throws a ball, against all solid logic and reason, you have to chase it, no matter what the situation.
10. While before you may have loved cats and how cuddly they were, you now view them as vicious little meowing fur-balls of evil that must be destroyed.

​If you find yourself noticing any of the above, congratulations! You’re a werewolf. Welcome to a life of running away from silver bullet-wielding crazy people, and chasing cats, balls, and anything you’re determined to eat.

Learn more about how to come to terms with your new changes by reading “HAIR IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES” and learn to curb the animal inside.

I had a real blonde (Betty) moment today when I suddenly realized that all the titles of the Riverdale episodes are named after movies. I went to film school! How did I not catch that?! But enough about me and my shortcomings. We have another episode of Riverdale to rip to shreds and it’s full of gothic goodness!

This episode served to give us a proper introduction to the Blossom family. Other than Mrs. Blossom bitch-slapping Betty’s mom a couple of episodes ago, most of our experience with what is clearly a very well-adjusted family (of psychopaths) has been through Cheryl. But they’re so much more than we expected! Not only do they live in a creepy mansion on the edge of town, but they’re all evil and crazy. And that grandmother (shudder) . . . what is with Granny Blossom?! But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s take a look at the other main stories first.

I fully understand that Archie is our main character but the show is truly an ensemble with no actual clear protagonist and it’ll be impossible for every story to have the same impact. For me, Archie’s story is getting a little buried under all the death, drama, and scandals. However, it’s no less heartwarming as our fave teen deals with the dilemma of football vs. music. Veronica points out that we are now living in a PG world - Post Grundy. The shockwaves felt by Grundy’s departure are all purely living inside Archie’s head, and he has a hard time coming to terms with who he is and what he wants to do now that his muse has driven off into the sunset, likely to prey on some other unsuspecting teenagers. Enter Valerie and we have a new female looking to set Archie on a particular path. That’s right, Archie has moved from a cougar to a pussycat (**that was low hanging fruit and I apologize).

​Let me start by explaining the relationship I have with Archie comics. I lived in the UK until I was 17. Archie comics didn’t exist over there. But I visited Canada with my family several times between ages 8 and 13 and was spellbound by these thick comic books being sold at the end of every grocery store checkout. I loved the comedic elements of the Archie comics, the diverse characters, and the relationships throughout. The characterization of a bumbling Archie, Betty the girl next door, Veronica the rich girl, Jughead the anti-teen, Reggie the asshole, and so on . . . all magical in my tween/teen mind.

​When they announced a reboot of the comic book in 2016, I was skeptical. But it turned out to be amazing. When they announced a ‘dark and gritty’ TV show based on the comic with a murder as the centrepiece of the first season, I rolled my eyes. Please note, I do not roll my eyes lightly. I was more than skeptical. It sounded stupid and miscalculated on every level. So imagine my shock upon watching the first episode and being completely blown away to the point where I’m now thoroughly addicted to the show. The story, the characters, the twists, the turns, the cinematography . . . yeah, that’s right, cinematography! It’s not Stranger Things level beautiful, but it’s damn sexy. Needless to say, my inner tween is extremely happy. (please note, I’ve tried to have my inner tween surgically removed but apparently he’s attached to some very important internal organs, and so he stays).

​With that lengthy, pointless, and sometimes meandering preamble out of the way, on with the review!

For an ensemble piece, this show certainly knows how to hit all the right emotional points with a scary amount of accuracy. On the Trilogy Spoilers Podcast, Chris Morris and I have often talked about the other CW shows (Arrow, Flash, Supergirl) and how they tend not to drag out storylines. The same goes for Riverdale. While the Jason murder story is ongoing, the Archie-Grundy love connection got wrapped up this week (as far as we know). And it all happened hot on the heels of Dilton’s statement that he saw Grundy’s car by the river on July 4th. Dun dun duuuhhh!

This throws Betty’s super-sleuth (possibly paranoia) into overdrive and she quickly puts two and two together when she sees Archie and that dreamy guy from 90210 having dinner with the seductress in question. Betty’s meticulous diary-writing (therapeutic tool?) tips off Mrs. Cooper, who has no sense of personal boundaries, and we’re left with a bizarre pedophileish mexican stand off. ​