 I have a theory on who killed Jason and why. But you’re going to have to read to the end to hear it. This week’s episode handed us a murderer wrapped up in a pretty little Skeet Ulrich bow, smoking gun in his closet, and nefarious partnerships with a well-known biker gang and an evil millionaire to cap it all off. Could Riverdale be so bold as to hand us such an obvious murderer? In a word . . . No. No they could not. Because in one single episode we’re led to believe that FP is Jason’s Killer but before the credits roll, the whole thing is washed down the drain. Let’s discuss . . . Molly Ringwald as Mary Andrews is just pure gold. Kudos to whoever casts this show because they do a fine job, not necessarily of matching the actors with the source material, but in the way they match the actors to the characters that Riverdale needs them to be. Archie’s Mom is in town to . . . hang out? It’s not really explained other than as a reaction to Archie’s drunk dial in the last episode. Either way, she sticks around to hear Archie play some music (that doesn’t suck or make you want to staple your own genitalia to a chair) and invites Archie to move to Chicago with her. Clearly he won’t. He’s Archie. The way she handles Hermione, even with the knowledge that her and Fred have been fooling around, one would suspect that Mary is a bit of a player herself. Even cooler is how she puts Alice Cooper in her place. Something not many people do successfully on this show. It’ll be a shame to see Mary go when the time comes.  The through line of this episode is the theory that FP was hired by Mr. Lodge to kill Jason Blossom out of some sort of retaliation over Clifford Blossom getting Ronnie’s dad thrown in jail. It’s plausible. FP is known to be sinister and Mr. Lodge is in prison so nuff said on that matter. It makes sense, if it wasn’t too obvious. Alice Cooper, determined to prove the theory, enlists the help of Veronica and Archie. The former is enticed as she wants to know the truth about dear old daddy, the latter is enticed due to Veronica’s enticements and Archie can’t resist a damsel in distress . . . especially an enticing one. They search FP’s trailer while Alice brilliantly distracts FP at a dinner for Jughead and Betty. Nothing is found in the trailer and despite us, the audience, knowing that FP had Jason’s jacket, we’re led to believe he’s innocent.
That is until the cops show up on an anonymous hint, search FP’s trailer, and find what is believed to be the weapon that killed Jason Blossom. This is all wonderfully spliced with Archie and Veronica’s cover of ‘Kids in America’.
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 Tis a simple story . . . Once upon a time there was a terrible fire-breathing dragon (for argument’s sake we’ll call him Frank). Frank loved nothing more than to terrorize the local kingdom by occasionally eating their sheep and carrying off the women-folk. The King decreed that to prevent such things they should just nonchalantly leave sheep at Frank’s cave to keep him happy. And so the very first iteration of meals-on-wheels was created. This kept Frank happy for almost three days, after which he flew into the King’s living room (it was a big living room). “Oh sad pathetic excuse for a King,” said Frank. “While the sheep are very nice I’m craving something a bit more exotic. Be so kind as to deliver your eldest daughter to me on the morrow or I’ll set your entire kingdom on fire.”
The King being faced with a giant fire-breathing dragon in his living room didn’t even have to think about it. He simply agreed. The next day, the Princess Gertrude was delivered to Frank’s cave and tied to a sturdy rock for safe keeping. As chance would have it a Knight called George was passing that way and heard of the Princesses plight. Being the heroic sort he mounted his steed and took off towards Frank’s cave. Meanwhile, Frank had discovered the Princess tied up outside his cave. “Who are you?” said Frank. “I’m your breakfast,” said Gertrude. “Well this won’t do, there’s nothing to you. You’re barely even a snack!” “I’m a vegetarian,” said Gertrude proudly. “I’m taking you back, come on, do you have any fat sisters?” said Frank and began to untie Princess Gertrude. At that inopportune moment, George rounded the corner on his horse. “Ho there Dragon!” said George heroically. “It’s Frank,” said Frank. “Oh, I’m sorry. Ho there Frank! I am here to rescue yonder fair maiden.” “I was just taking her back actually.” “I’ll have none of your dragon trickery,” said George and unsheathed his sword in a dramatic fashion. Frank rolled his eyes and lunged for George. Sadly, Frank was near sighted and missed completely presenting George with the opportunity to lop off the dragon’s head. “All hail my savior!” said Gertrude. “You are more than welcome, my Princess. Just out of curiosity, why was he taking you back?” “I think it was because I’m a vegetarian.” “Sorry, luv, I don’t date vegetarians,” said George. He mounted his horse and rode off in search of more heroic deeds and left Princess Gertrude tied up next to a dead dragon. The dragon-killing Knight become known as St. George and is remembered on April 23rd, St. George’s Day, each year, and celebrated by everyone . . . except vegetarians. The End.  I’ve often complimented the CW shows on their ability to tie up dangling plot points and sub story arcs in a timely manner. Many shows prefer to drag things out for multiple episodes and sometimes entire seasons (*cough* The Blacklist *cough*). This can get arduous and can result in story fatigue. Don’t laugh, it’s a real condition, 1 in 10 Netflix subscribers suffer from it on a monthly basis. The CW on the other hand loves to introduce some juicy sub story and then tie it up in a neat bow and move on to the next. The latest episode of Riverdale was no exception. They even had a party so they could tie up loose plot points. A party! Genius. Let’s get to it . . Veronica states close to the end of the episode that “we’re all messed up,” while she’s trying to talk Archie down. This nicely emcompasses the whole episode because everyone, even supporting characters, are messed up. Everywhere you looked, someone was messed up. Throw a rock, hit a messed up person. Veronica herself is particularly messed up in this episode, and for good reason. Her Dad threatens her from a distance to coerce her into testifying on his behalf along with her mother. What’s weird is that she goes along with it. And why? Because Smithers claims Hermione is a good person. I’d say that flies in the face of her actual actions over the course of this season, but what do I know? Smithers is clearly a knowledgeable footman/butler/maid/doorman. Thanks to a bit of super sleuthing, Ronnie pulls an Angela Lansbury and digs up a connection between her father and the Blossoms, unfortunately it also ties Mr. Lodge to the murder of Jason. So did Veronica agree to testify because a) She wants to help her dad or b) she wants to tie her dad to Jason’s murder or c) making out with a redhead messes with your mind and she’s just plain confused.  Normally there are clear sections to these reviews but the party took up so much of the episode and contained most of the story for this week so let’s just take a walk through Jughead’s nightmare.
 “Ahhhrrgghhh!” I hear writers everywhere scream in response to the title of this blog post. But it’s true. This is not intended to be a depressing post, far from it! I’d much prefer this to be a bit more on the inspiring side while giving some realistic expectations. If you’re a writer, author, self-pubbed author, traditionally published author, bestselling author, small press, author, aspiring doodler, or someone who has leant one iota of brain power to the notion of writing a novel, you will hopefully find this post useful. I was born in the UK and grew up watching and reading all sorts of silly nonsense that clearly shaped my personality and sense of humor, as it exists today. At 17 I moved with my parents just up the road, to the left, and across a vast amount of water to an entirely different continent, to a country called Canada where they’re fond of hockey, beavers, and maple syrup. At 19 I went to the Vancouver Film School (a school famous for Kevin Smith never having graduated from there), and graduated with excellence from the Writing for Film and Television program. I switched to novel writing because, by god, everyone and their dog were writing a screenplay. Starbucks’ across North America were strewn with pre-hipster models frantically tapping away at their laptops hoping to become the next big Hollywood sensation. “Psh,” I said to such happenings, and instead decided to take on the more difficult task of writing a novel. After 6 years of occasionally writing the novel, something shocking happened. I finished it. If you had told someone twenty years ago that you were busy ‘tweeting’ they would have looked at you while tilting their heads to the side in a questioning manner that suggested they were worried about your sanity. Then followed 3 years of nothingness, a black hole filled with literary agency rejection letters, rewritten versions of the manuscript, and one disappointing slamming of the door incident after another. So I wrote another book, this one only took a year. Then Social Media became a thing and I started Tweeting. If you had told someone twenty years ago that you were busy ‘tweeting’ they would have looked at you while tilting their heads to the side in a questioning manner that suggested they were worried about your sanity. I feel like I’m droning, am I droning? I’ll move it along, as there is a point here somewhere. To cut to the chase, I can easily attribute my being published to Twitter (thank you tiny time-sucking blue bird). I met my first publisher, Curiosity Quills Press, because of Twitter and my first book was released in 2012 with my second following closely in 2013. I then started working with that same publishing company as an acquisitions editor, then later as acquisitions manager. Through those positions I met my agent, Mark Gottlieb (he has a wonderfully weird sense of humor) at the Trident Media Group and, through him, met my second publisher, Month9Books. At that time, I was still working a day job as a student advisor (someone who threatens convinces students into signing up for expensive schooling), which I promptly quit and went to work for a web development and marketing company where I have a fabulous time and work with awesome people, AND I get to write all day. Most authors, and I’ve interviewed a lot of them, fall ass over backwards into a publishing contract. The right person reading your query at the write time on a particular day when the moon is ideally placed (hopefully in the sky). I am now writing the third book in my series with Month9Books, am marketing a couple of TV pilots that had been rattling around in my head for a while, and am working on developing a comedy podcast/radio play-style show with two very dear and talented friends. I have a day job where I write constantly, read submissions for CQ Press, and a family that I completely adore. What’s the point? I got here through perseverance and being in the right place at the right time. I know, the latter is terrible advice, but it’s true. Most authors, and I’ve interviewed a lot of them, fall ass over backwards into a publishing contract. The right person reading your query at the write time on a particular day when the moon is ideally placed (hopefully in the sky). Continuing to write and continuing to meet people, even if it’s only online, is the best way to get published. The moment you stop writing and interacting, you’re done. The days of being discovered without effort are over. The world changed, which brings me to the final point . . . Every writer would love to be a full time author. And it’s not impossible, because I know lots who are. The literary landscape has been flattened and the playing field has been re-turfed. I state that mixed sports metaphor because self-publishing and digital publishing have changed the way books are bought, sold, and read. Being a full time author means having a consistent bestseller, which is more and more difficult to attain. And it’s not because the writing isn’t good. It’s because of that same problem, the reason I stopped screenwriting: because now everyone and their dog are writing books and getting them published (thanks Amazon). . . . keep writing your own stuff on the side until you attain your dream or die. Guaranteed, one will precede the other. My advice to writers is to write. Write books. Write to your friends. Write to strangers. Write on social media. You’re writers. If you want to be successful, then keep writing and eventually you’ll get what you want. I truly believe this.
My advice to writers who wish to write for a living: Find a job where you’re able to write every day and keep writing your own stuff on the side until you attain your dream or die. Guaranteed, one will precede the other. Also, find a magic lamp with a genie in it. Those things are extremely helpful.  There are a number of universal truths in this world. Unbreakable and unbendable facts that shape our humanity in a physical, mental, and emotional sense. Water is wet. The sun rises and sets. Snow is cold. Cats have no souls. Pop Tarts are the best breakfast snack food ever created. And so on. However, there’s one universally acknowledged truth that shouldn’t be ignored: You never, ever, ever, ever, ever, mess with a redhead. However, due to the unusual abundance of gingers in Riverdale, it’s impossible not to have a run in with one or more on a regular basis, or so this week’s episode teaches us. **It’s important to note at this point that I have a weakness for redheads. I’m married to one and, consequently, also have a red headed daughter who can wrap me round her little finger just as well as her mother. Why tell you this? Because if it seems like I’m going easy on Cheryl in this review, it’s because I kinda adore her. Let’s proceed . . . First let’s get the other stuff out of the way because nothing really compared to the main storyline this week. Let’s face it, you can’t throw a rock in Riverdale without hitting an insane manipulative parent. I’m going to make a story prediction, and maybe it’s slightly obvious, but Hiram Lodge isn’t going to end up in jail. The charges will be dropped, he’ll get away with whatever it is he’s being accused of, and he’ll come to Riverdale and cause all sorts of problems. He’s the perfect bad guy for the show and he’s simply got too much potential to be a faceless name. Mr. Lodge is coming. Maybe not this season, maybe even not next season, but he’ll arrive eventually. Prepare yourselves accordingly.
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Welcome to the blog of Author, Andrew Buckley. Why Blogocity? Why do I need a reason? Here you’ll find updates, musings, vlogs, audio clips, images, events, and all sorts of other silly stuff. Enjoy!
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