A Blog Post About Nothing

You may think you’re reading a blog post right now. But you’d be mistaken. Now you’re beginning to wonder; if you’re not reading a blog post, what are you reading? Well, all I can do is assure you once again that it’s not a blog post. 

What you’re actually reading is nothing. That’s right, nothing. Here, I’ll put it in quotation marks so you know I’m being deadly serious: “nothing.” Now I’m going to put other words in quotation marks to make this particular paragraph about nothing far more interesting: “Chinchilla,” “Fruit Popsicle,” “Leonard Nimoy,” and, of course, “Ker-Splat.”

Welcome to the third paragraph, to remain consistent with the two previous paragraphs you just read, this one shall also be about nothing. But in order to re-enforce my two opening paragraphs, let’s look at some statistics: 
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• Time you’ve already spent reading this blog post (which is not a blog post): less than 2 minutes
• The percentage of you who are reading this on the toilet: 3.2%
• Average number of times you’ve considered to stop reading this not-a-blog-post: 0
• Average chance that you’ll read this entire post despite my statement that it’s about nothing: 99.9%
  
  

Now let’s put those statistics into a colourful graph to prove how pointless they were:

Now we’ll move into the all-important 4th paragraph. Had this been an actual blog post, we’d be approaching the point where conclusions are drawn and recommendations are made. Sadly, this isn’t a blog post and you’re still reading nothing.
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For absolutely no reason whatsoever, here is a picture of an unimpressed-looking Capybara:

​Had you been reading a blog post about something this whole time, this would be the paragraph where I’d hammer home that final point. It’s ideally placed on the page, that capybara is still staring at you, and you can see you’re almost at the end. 

For maximum effect, this is where I’d leave the reader with a positioning statement that would illicit thought and contemplation and send them away with an emotion, feeling, idea, inspiration, and/or gas. Unfortunately, what you’re reading isn’t a blog post at all and your erstwhile pursuit of reading about nothing has come to an undramatic end. 

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​If you prefer to actually read about something, may I suggest 'Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish'  where I fail to write about nothing and instead write about all sorts of silly things including evil robotic Christmas elves, a prophetic goldfish, a devil-possessed cat, a man who used to be a penguin, and the Angel of Death. Grab your copy on Amazon today!

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